somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
