i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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