Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
