ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
