just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
