There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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