So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My ass is underappreciated
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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