The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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