it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize