My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
