Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
