Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
