I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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