my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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