My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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