My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
