we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize