I wish I could punch you in the face.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
