it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
