You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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