I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
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