I can tuck mytits in my pants
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
