i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
