Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
it was like his penis was on wheels.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Randomize
