she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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