He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
