I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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