you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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