I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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