you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
