id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
