how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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