there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
