can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
