I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
