i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize