Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
