Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
zippers are such a cool invention
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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