allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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