I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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