Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
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