I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize