It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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