Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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