I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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