apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
