I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
