I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
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