I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
either way he was missing a nipple.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
