I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize