someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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