1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
