I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
