I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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