good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
