remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
