I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
